I was thinking about Duolingo as I reviewed the years-long streak I’m currently on of using the app every day. It seems I’m on a streak of days going back more than 3 1/2 years. Yet I’m completely lost in a conversation in rapid-fire French or German. All I can do is tell people what my name is and ask where the toilets are. Perhaps that’s enough to find the bathroom, but deep down you know you’re missing all the fun. I felt this most profoundly riding the electric passenger launch on Lake Königssee in Bavaria with the entire boat of passengers laughing at the jokes the guide was telling. I smiled and nodded and recognized that I had a long way to go.
We skate across the surface on most things, doing just enough: It’s the Cliff Notes version of studying to pass the exam but forgetting the material immediately afterwards. It’s reading the slide deck verbatim instead of reaching out to the audience. It’s buying the expensive hiking boots and only wearing them to shovel snow. It’s using a heart emoji to note someone’s deeply personal post on social media but not immediately calling them to see how they’re really doing. These are examples of checking boxes, not immersion.
Swimming is immersion. Diving deeply into the subject matter to understand it. Getting pulled by the rip current and finding our way out of it. It’s going to another country where we barely speak the language and figuring things out one phrase at a time. It’s re-reading the book a second and third time to truly understand what we missed the first time. It’s taking a long walk with an old friend to chat about what is going on in their world that has them so withdrawn from ours. This is immersion, not checking boxes.
We tend to do both if we’re honest about it. We can’t swim through everything. We must skate across some surfaces just to get to the other side. Life is full of things we could immerse ourselves in, but soon we find ourselves drowning in it all. It’s better to skate over the trivial and swim through the essential. The trick is knowing which is which. A long term, healthy marriage involves a great deal of swimming. To skate is to invite trouble. We’ve all encountered plenty of people with troubled marriages. Some things in life simply can’t be skated over. We break the surface willingly or unwillingly and learn to swim lest we drown.
Skating may feel faster, but we find we reach the other side barely familiar with everything we’ve just crossed. That’s no way to live a lifetime. Swimming isn’t always efficient, but we become more engaged with the world when we get beyond simply treading water. To have a strong marriage, we must navigate deep and sometimes turbulent waters. To engage with an audience we must reach a level of mastery and rapport strong enough to close the gap between the podium and the last row. To reach the summit we’ve got to strap on those boots and start walking uphill. And to learn a language we must immerse ourselves in it enough that eventually we get the jokes.
An exceptional life requires less skating and more swimming.










