There are people out there who love cats, and people who love dogs. I know some say that there are people who love cats and dogs equally, but they’re just saying that to be contrarians. That’s like saying you like all Girl Scout cookies the same when we all know there’s only one truly great cookie (Samoas, now known as Caramel deLites solely for the delight of the Girl Scouts marketing department).

So why can’t we love both cats and dogs the same? Because they’re completely opposites. Dogs are ruled by affection first, and the stomach second. With cats, the stomach rules all. Any signs of affection are meant to cater favor for more food, and of course to lower our guard that they may gouge our eyes out. Never lower your guard with a cat. I believe it’s the only reason I still have my eyes to see just how manipulative these furry eating machines really are.

We have a cat and a dog. The dog lives in constant fear of the cat, as cats are inclined to have it. The cat walks around knocking things over, scratching furniture and people, and looking for snacks (not necessarily in that order). The cat knows that I’m on to her trickery, and works to separate me from the herd, that I may be murdered in the night. She’s been working on the dog to be an accomplice, and angrily voices her displeasure that the pup would rather just snuggle with us, as a proper pet does.

Since the cat hasn’t figured out how to take me out immediately, she’s doing it slowly by messing with my sleep score. Each night she waits until I slip into REM and then pounces on my feet to wake me up. Each morning she stealthily climbs atop the nightstand at eye level and begins meowing an hour before I generally get up. For those keeping score, that’s in the 4:30 AM range. We begin a ritual of pushing her off the nightstand, having her climb back up to be pushed away again, until sleep is no longer an option.

My helpful bride, one of those people who says that they love dogs and cats the same, set up an automatic feeder to pour some dry cat food into a metal dish timed to release the food before the cat starts her morning wake up ritual. In theory this is a great idea. Right. Instead, the cat scrambles from her sleep position between us to get to that bowl in seconds. And that scrambling? You guessed it, it happens right across my, uh, midsection. Which does wonders for my sleep score.

I mention all of this because I am not one of those people who say they love cats and dogs the same. I’m firmly on one side of this debate. In fairness to our two pets, I won’t mention which side I’m on. I do try very hard not to make it obvious. But seriously, they’re both a joy to have in our lives… in their own ways.