Alexandersmap

    Category: Culture

    • The Beauty in Useful

      “Why is art beautiful? Because it is useless. Why is life ugly? Because it is all aims and purposes and intentions…. The beauty of ruins? The fact that they were no longer of any use. The sweetness of the past? Being able to remember it, because to remember the past is to make it the present again, and the past is not and cannot be the present — the absurd, my love, the absurd.” — Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

      “My father said to me, ‘Be useful.’ Useful not only to yourself, but useful to your neighborhood, your country, the world. It entails everything.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger, from Men’s Health

      If art is beautiful because it’s useless, does that same criteria apply to a lifetime? What make life beautiful anyway? Is it spontaneity and happenstance or structure and purpose? Doesn’t a lifetime require a bit of both?

      When we systematize our lives we are adding routines that sustain us and increase our effectiveness. Routines don’t have to mean our lives are routine. If a purposeful and intentional life is an ugly life to Pessoa, I would argue it shines a light on our lives, making them more beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. A painter may find rigid conformity to accepted rules ugly and confining, while an architect or structural engineer finds great beauty in the very same rule.

      We are, each of us, mere memories in the making. What will make our lives beautiful is largely up to us, and it may inspire others. Usefulness is a ripple across time and space. It magnifies our presence into something tangible. Whether we swim in a small pond or a vast ocean, we make a ripple. Done well, a lifetime can be quite beautiful indeed. And isn’t our lifetime our most essential work of art?

    • On Friendship

      “Numerous studies have shown that one of the great markers for happiness among people at midlife and beyond is people who can rattle off the names of a few authentic, close friends.” — Arthur C. Brooks, From Strength to Strength

      I spoke with a man I barely knew for almost an hour as he wept into his phone, talking about the betrayal he felt when he discovered one of his closest friends had been consistently lying to him. I felt the same way about this person, but the difference was I’d never considered him a friend at all, but a brother. We choose our friends, family is determined by fate. Neither of us would ever truly trust this character as we had before, and I felt he had the worst of the bargain. He’d lost one if his best friends. But he may have gained another in the grieving process.

      I’m lucky to count a few people as good friends and two as best friends. This doesn’t happen in a vacuum—we must be great friends to earn them in our lives. Life cannot be all take and no give. A spirit of generosity is returned in spades by like-minded people, and not at all by some. The trick is to navigate the latter while we hold dear the former. A lifetime of happiness begins with having the right people in our lives.

      This goes beyond our spouses. A strong marriage built on mutual trust and respect is an important part of a rewarding life, but it isn’t always in the cards for some people. The trend seems to be away from marriage for younger people, and I see a lot of amazing older people who never quite find the perfect partner. The essential element for happiness and fulfillment is a small and intimate network of deep friendships.

      Marriage to the right person was the best decision I’ve ever made in my lifetime, but a close second was nurturing the right people for me as friends. People who challenge me, tolerate my odd tendencies and offer sage advice when necessary. We’ve seen each other through divorces and death, parenthood and career changes. Through it all we’ve gained a cadence of trust and familiarity that we know will be there for the next big thing life throws our way.

      I tell my children that there are two kinds of friends: friends of convenience and friends who will be there for you until the end. As we move through stages in our lives this becomes apparent, busy as we all are in this crazy world. Those few essential friendships are the foundation for a happier and more vibrant life. Deep friendships are the gift of presence and commitment, mutually exchanged for a lifetime.

    • The Right Kind of Virtues

      “It occurred to me that there were two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?” — David Brooks, “The Moral Bucket List” The New York Times

      Do you ever wonder, what people say about us when we pass? Isn’t it directly related to how much we lean into the right virtue? We might work hard all of our life, focused and disciplined, and successful by most any measure of that word, and still not live a life that is fulfilling and meaningful to others.

      Is striving to be virtuous about resume building or character building? Are we building a list of career highlights and an office in the C-suite or are we building a moral foundation that others will point to as a model for living? Just what do we want to be remembered for anyway? A life of meaning and purpose is a life of service to others.

      How is someone developed in such a way that they’re a contributor and builder instead of a corrosive sapper of joy and trust? It begins with flipping attention from ego to empathy. Easier said than done in a world where the self is so celebrated, but absolutely essential to growing into a person who is reliable, trustworthy and willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work.

      There is a recipe for building a strong character. It begins with the way we’re raised and the social network around us. In the way others perceive the world and how they in turn influence how we perceive it. Stir in a proper informal education: being well-traveled and worldly, and well-read and articulate surely help build empathy and understanding. Developing strong listening skills and the inclination and moral courage to rise to the moment when nobody else will.

      When someday we pass from this world, what do we want people to say about us? Will anyone remember the extra work we put in to finish that project, or will the memory be about being fully present for our children and significant other at the most important events in their lives? Will we be remembered as being a good friend or sibling, a great neighbor who looked out for others, or as that person who was never really there when it really mattered?

      A life of service to others isn’t always easy, but it matters a great deal. These moments add up, and will create a ripple that will be felt by others. The person with the most toys in the end doesn’t win, they’ve simply gathered a bunch of stuff that will end up in an estate plan for someone else. Isn’t the real goal to have our lives resonate for those around us, that we’ll be deeply missed when our time comes to an end?

    • Truth and Consequences

      “Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.” — Arthur Miller

      When someone lies to you, how do you react when the betrayal is revealed? Can we ever truly trust the person again? Do we run through the lies, making them forever a soundtrack in our memories? Or are we somehow grateful for the truth finally surfacing?

      We usually know, deep down, when someone is untrustworthy. We’ve got a sense for the scoundrels amongst us. Yet each of us is framed by the lies someone has told us, sometimes never learning the truth, sometimes learning too late. Entire histories are built on slanted versions of the truth. We are, each of us, fooled by someone. That doesn’t make us fools, it makes us humans with faith in the best in others.

      Ultimately we must reconcile the truth of the matter, however it’s presented to us. Rising above the hurt and betrayal to find a place of peace with ourselves and the people we once trusted. That doesn’t mean trusting them again, but finding some middle ground between truth and the consequences of what was once believed.

    • Our Most Important Things

      So easily forgotten are the most important things
      Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
      And a song that lasts forever, keeps on gettin’ better
      All the time
      — Keb’ Mo, Life Is Beautiful

      Walking a lot of miles lately, I’ve come to see the town I live in at ground level, turning corners into places I haven’t been in a long time, or ever before. I see the changing nature of things, and I’m reminded of a time not so long ago when it was my own children at beginner’s summer soccer camp or at baseball practice. These stages of life fly by quickly, but the next generation steps right on to that field to build someone else’s memories. Our own will inevitably fade, perhaps, but the foundation laid in time and presence is strong.

      I walk to cover miles, deliberate and at the fastest pace I can sustain for 5-7 miles. I’m not a speed walker but I have a long stride that helps when the aim is fitness and mileage. Countering this pace, a couple of times a day I take the new puppy for a walk. She’s finding her courage in a strange new world, and the pace is much slower than my normal stride. My favorite Navy pilot once told me that when you’re walking a dog you aren’t walking, the dog is walking. You’re just keeping it company while it experiences the world. So rushing that experience does the dog a disservice, but it does for us too. Like those children growing up way too quickly if we aren’t paying attention, puppies grow up too. Embrace the pace you find yourself in, for one day it will change again.

      For all the changes happening all around us, some things remain the same. It’s easy to forget the people and routines that hold us to solid ground when life does cartwheels. They offer something tangible and meaningful for us in good times and bad, through the dizzying pace of rapid change and the dullest days of stagnation and limited progress. We ought to celebrate our quiet anchors, even as we explore the changes life takes us through. They are our most important things as we sort out the changes and find our stride for what comes next.

    • ChatGPT (as?) Me

      ChatGPT can be seen as a tool to enhance productivity or to accelerate the end of days. The optimist in me sees the potential in Artificial Intelligence (AI). As with any technology, it’s people who weaponize it. The moment you can create a nuclear weapon out of household goods is the day we all should contemplate the afterlife. Assuming controls are in place, we might actually find value in AI. Then again, it might just steal all of our jobs. As a creative type, I have to admit to being both delighted and humbled by the speed and accuracy of ChatGPT when I started using it.

      Consider my chat, “summarize War and Peace in one paragraph”:

      “War and Peace” is a classic novel by Leo Tolstoy, set in 19th-century Russia during the Napoleonic era. The epic story revolves around the lives of five aristocratic families and their experiences during times of war and peace. It delves into themes of love, ambition, fate, and the human condition. The narrative masterfully interweaves the personal journeys of its characters, showcasing the effects of war on society and individuals, while also exploring profound philosophical reflections on life and historical events. The novel’s vast scope and intricate character development make it a timeless exploration of the human spirit, offering profound insights into the complexities of human relationships, the consequences of our actions, and the pursuit of personal and societal meaning.

      Now consider something far more personal for me, “summarize the content of alexandersmap.com in one paragraph”:

      “Live with intention, embrace the journey, and seek a deep connection with the world around you. Be curious, explore new places, and appreciate the beauty of nature. Cultivate gratitude for the small moments and cherish the relationships with loved ones. Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth, and find balance between work, leisure, and reflection. Understand that life is a continuous learning process, and wisdom comes from experiences, failures, and self-awareness. Strive to leave a positive impact on others and the planet, fostering a sense of community and global consciousness. Ultimately, find purpose in living authentically, mindfully, and with a sense of wonder, making the most of every moment on this extraordinary journey through life.”

      Wow. Lovely summary, and great advice! But it raises a serious question: Why go on writing? If AI can tap into everything we’ve ever done and write in our style, why should we create anything at all? Well, because we are each processing our own data aren’t we? Life is a string of days figuring things out at our own pace, and writing offers a way to create something beyond ourselves. We ought to continue writing our own verse, not just in spite of it all, but because the ripple matters. ChatGPT didn’t create my words, it summarized them from an admittedly modest ripple across the Internet. Somewhere within there is my contribution. Somewhere in there is me.

      In the context of infinity none of this matters a great deal anyway, but it matters just enough to keep at it. We aren’t nihilists, we’re artists. Art is an expression of something profoundly unique deep within us. Maybe AI can mine a large enough sample size to offer a close-enough copy, but it’s still nothing but a derivative of the original work. So keep doing the work.

    • Adding a Piece Back In

      “My heart is moved by all I cannot save:
      so much has been destroyed
      I have to cast my lot with those
      who age after age, perversely,
      with no extraordinary power,
      reconstitute the world.”
      ~ Adrienne Rich
      from “Natural Resources”

      Day two of life with a rescue puppy is a reminder that life will be different. This is a sweet puppy, but a puppy nonetheless, one who loves to put her nose into house plants and see how tippy the gates really are. She’s learning her new home, but also learning what her limits will be. This is to be expected, and in some strange way, welcomed. Strange because I didn’t know what was missing until the gap was filled in again. You reach a point in life where it sometimes feels like the essence of your identity is being removed, one piece at a time. I talk to seniors and feel the void I’m helping to fill just by being present. It feels good to be adding something back in again.

      We rise up to meet what the universe asks of us, or we don’t. Life goes on either way. And in this give and take with the universe, we learn what our own destiny is. Most of us will never be famous or change the course of human history, but we will each make a ripple, or as Whitman put it, we will each have a verse. And this matters a great deal too. Simply rise up to meet the moment, to follow through on what is being asked of us. We find that the piece that was missing was us all along.

    • The Thing About Adopting Puppies

      They don’t tell you this when you first see the picture of a puppy looking for a forever home, but maybe they ought to: You’ll quickly forget you were ever puppy-less at all. And your new puppy will quickly forget that once they didn’t have a forever home. It will seem like it’s always been this way right from the first day.

      The process of picking up our new rescue puppy began with an alarm jolting us awake from a deep slumber at 0430. I’m not generally an alarm person but then I’m not usually waking up at 4:30. We did this to meet the saints who save puppies when the van arrived at 0730. We had it relatively easy: others picked up their puppies at midnight, 0330 and 0545. The van was jammed with empty Red Bull cans and snack bags. Whatever gets it done. It seems nighttime is the right time to find your canine soulmate. Really it was about minimizing time in a hot van for furry friends. Being the last stop was like hitting the sleep lottery. And they arrived right on time.

      Most dogs being adopted seem to come from the south, where attitudes about spaying seem lax. Less birth control means more puppies needing rescue before they run out of time. How many dogs are put down before they find a home? Too many. That’s no way to begin a life. Birth control for pets and people shouldn’t ever be controversial. Without it things become a bit more complicated than some people are willing to step up to meet head-on. In the absence of personal responsibility bad things happen in the world. But hey: thoughts and prayers while we pick up the slack.

      So once again I have a dog in my life. Am I ready? Are we ever ready? Each chapter is an epic adventure in this lifetime. We turn pages at our pace, skimming over some chapters and lingering with others. Sometimes we like a chapter so much we read it again and again. Finding joyful nuggets balances out the dark and tragic bits. If we’re lucky anyway. And of course, we rise to meet the moment.

    • The Other Side

      What happens when you reach the other side of climate change? When is that step too far? Is it the blood orange sunrises from all the smoke in the atmosphere, or the closed trails and roads flooded to ruin? Is it the oppressive heat in the Middle East well above anything a living creature could survive in? I look at the trees for guidance and find they’re equally perplexed. More fallen leaves and branches than ever recollected, some fungus turning tree tops autumn colors in July. Do we wonder what’s happening to us?

      We generally agree we ought to do more, but rely on too many incompetent charlatans to bring transformation just when we need leadership the most. It’s now or never, and we must each rise to meet it. Will we? Have we thus far? When will we reach the other side of apathy?

      A not-so-normal but all-to-common 2023 sunrise. This is a real picture.

    • Searching for the Marvelous

      “Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous. I want to be a writer who reminds others that these moments exist; I want to prove that there is infinite space, infinite meaning, infinite dimension.
      But I am not always in what I call a state of grace. I have days of illuminations and fevers. I have days when the music in my head stops. Then I mend socks, prune trees, can fruits, polish furniture. But while I am doing this I feel I am not living.” — Anais Nin

      “The secret of a full life is to live and and be open to others as if tomorrow they might not be there as if you might not be there. This eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of putting things off, the missed communions.” — Anais Nin

      I’m often accused of talking to everyone—this is often true—for in each of us there’s a story worth discovering. Every now and then you discover magic, sparked by interest. These are the high moments I believe Anais Nin was seeking as well. She seemed a woman I’d have loved to have met. Forget for a moment her fame for writing erotica, she just seemed so damned interesting. We must each find the fascinating things about living and bring it to the world. When you meet someone equally compelled to discover, the space between us erupts in wonder. You don’t have to take your clothes off for that to happen.

      There are moments when I feel the infinite meaning, when I feel the marvelous. You sense these things all around you when you’re attuned to discovery. It might be something as exhilarating as travel or as commonplace as gardening: I’ve found it in waterfalls deep in the forest and in the crashing surf seen from high on a cliffside trail in western Portugal. These are to be expected, and the compelling reason why we seek out such places. But I’ve also found it hiding in plain sight in my backyard garden, in the scent of tomato vines on a hot summer day. It’s all around you when you look for it.

      The trick is to be open to experiences. Find possibility in the circumstance we’ve stumbled into. These occasions are fleeting at best, and gone in an instant. To be fully alive is to tune in to everything around us and savor its sweetness in its season. For this is also our season, and we may never pass this way again. Carpe diem. Let’s not waste another moment.